the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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