bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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