Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
