do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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