I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
