maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
