somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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