Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
