All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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