great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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