just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
