I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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