The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
