and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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