yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
