Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
