is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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