you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
