yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
