This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
