Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Randomize
