I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
