i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
