All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
