how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
