no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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