I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
