party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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