508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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