i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
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