So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
