He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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