i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
