I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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