Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
