The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
