i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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