just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize