I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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