my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I got inside last night via doggy door
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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