You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
