I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just pynch a tree in the face
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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