the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
