My sheets look like a crime scene.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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