omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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