4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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