pedialite and red bull = repair kit
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
