if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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