I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
