good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
