first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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