we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
