Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
