Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
