I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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