I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
