Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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